Almost a year ago, British backpacker Grace Millane went missing in Auckland on the evening of her 22nd birthday. Her body was found nearby in the days that followed. This week, her accused murderer goes on trial.
I didn't know Grace, but I think about her often. So much so that I can't believe it's been a year already; the emotion I felt when I read the story was raw and still feels so now. With little to no effort it can reduce me to tears. When she went missing, and even as I write this, I was consumed by genuine heartbreak. Like many women (and men), I mourned her loss in the world and felt anger and frustration at the circumstances.
Of course, death is part of every life and people die every minute, unfairly, in horrific circumstances and conditions with zero media attention. This is not about Grace being more 'important' or 'news worthy' than anyone else. However, for me, someone who was only a couple of years younger than Grace when I took my first solo trip, her death and the assumed circumstances around it were confronting - they highlighted the fragility of my own confidence, willingness and freedom to go out into the world, grab it by the balls and experience it alone. To this day, it balances on a knife edge at times. People often tell me I'm 'brave' (adj): 'showing no fear of dangerous or difficult things', but that's just crap. Of course I don't show or feel fear all the time, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist some of the time - I have feelings of fear, absolutely. Thankfully those feelings have always been cautionary instinct and not reflective of reality. Regardless, I'm not brave I'm just bloody stubborn. Whilst that plays a big part it's also largely thanks to years of previous positive experiences that I continue to push through any solo travel nerves and challenges and keep going; telling myself that the alternative option is to simply not go, to not do it - something which doesn't appeal to me and possibly scares me even more! I've been incredibly lucky and Grace reminds me of that.
Just before the retreat, I was at a hostel and some men offered me a chair at their table and some rum. We had a great conversation for a couple for hours. At some point we discussed my travelling alone and during that I openly admitted I was genuinely enjoying their company but was absolutely watching the bottle and my glass. They laughed. They'd noticed. They got it. It wasn't personal, just sensible. That said, I definitely haven't been so diligent on every occasion because you simply can't be "careful" all the time. That's not how life works. Not if you want to experience pure joy in the moment. Eventually you have to trust, you have to live, and there is no blame or shame in that decision if things go wrong. Noone asks for danger.
For me, that is what really hit hard with Grace - she was simply enjoying her life and celebrating her birthday. She let her guard down (God forbid anyone dare to be so bold) and trusted that she was safe to do so. It's not asking for much. A fundamental basic really.
I remember discussing this with a relative at the time, who questioned what women were doing meeting strangers on their own (?!). I told them that I was absolutely happy to have that conversation but if they were about to place blame or shame on Grace for her decision, they had to be 100% prepared to do the same for me should something happen in the future. I, like many single women in cities, have met men alone. Just in the last couple of weeks I have placed huge amounts of trust in a 'stranger', been alone with him and absolutely not had any guard up. I will continue to do this whenever it feels appropriate because that is not the problem here.
Grace, along with every other woman who has fallen victim to violence from men, did not choose to harm herself and I have no intention of doing so either. Women should not have to stop living to remain safe. Women should not have to be defensive of people and situations. Women should not be judged for getting the timeline of trust 'wrong' - when do people stop being strangers? When is it socially acceptable to trust? After an hour, a day, a month, a year? People are changing all the time, and only they are accountable for their actions, not those who fall victim to them.
An open heart and mind does not equate to an open invitation or permission for harm.
So wherever we are in the world right now, whenever you have a moment of pure solo travel joy, or even frustration, light a little candle for Grace (it can be metaphorical of course), say thanks for the opportunity you have and pause to appreciate your safety and the safety of those around you. May it long continue and may you go far.
As Grace's father said: "We all hope that what has happened to Grace will not deter even one person from venturing out into the world.”
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